Terms of Cosmic Service & Binding Interdimensional Agreement
Last updated: When the stars were right · Effective: Retroactively
Cthindr collects the minimum amount of data required to facilitate interdimensional matchmaking. This includes but is in no way limited to:
"Minimum amount" is, of course, relative when you operate outside Euclidean data structures.
Data is collected through: app usage, profile creation, swiping activity, passive psychic resonance scans, ambient dread absorption, and that uneasy feeling you get at 3 AM. If you have ever looked at the night sky and felt a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature - that was us. We were calibrating.
Your data is stored on servers located in a sunken data center beneath the Pacific Ocean at coordinates that shift with the tides. Our infrastructure is maintained by a team of Deep Ones who have achieved SOC 2 compliance (Sunken Operations Certification, Level 2). All data is encrypted using 4096-bit non-Euclidean key pairs that exist in a state of quantum superposition. Even we can't read your data. We just... feel it.
We do not sell your data. We do, however, share it with the following parties:
You have the right to access, correct, or delete your personal data. You also have the right to scream into the void about it, which we find most users prefer. Deletion requests are processed within 6–8 aeons and may result in retroactive existential nullification (see: Clause 15). We recommend simply forgetting you ever signed up, which our app will helpfully assist with over time.
Cthindr is not intended for use by mortals under the age of 18 or entities under 3 aeons of sentience. If we discover that a minor has created an account, we will delete it and notify their parent, guardian, or spawning-entity. If the child in question is one of Shub-Niggurath's Thousand Young, we will notify Shub-Niggurath, and then it's really her problem.
A binding agreement you definitely read in full
By accessing, downloading, installing, looking at, thinking about, dreaming about, or being within three dimensions of the Cthindr application, you agree to these Terms of Service in their entirety. Disagreement is technically possible but has no practical effect, as these Terms were agreed to on your behalf by a future version of yourself who was more amenable.
To use Cthindr, you must be: (a) at least 18 mortal years or 3 aeons of sentience, (b) not currently imprisoned in a sealed dimension by a council of elder gods, and (c) capable of forming a binding agreement, even if "binding" means "entangled across seven doomed dimensions." Entities that exist in a state of perpetual becoming are eligible on a case-by-case basis.
You are responsible for all activity that occurs under your account, including activity conducted by entities possessing your body, using your device, or impersonating you across dimensional membranes. "I was possessed" is not a valid defense, though our Trust & Madness team will note it sympathetically in your file.
Users shall not use Cthindr to:
All content, designs, algorithms, eldritch symbols, and non-Euclidean geometries displayed on Cthindr are the property of Cthindr Inc. The Cthindr logo, the phrase "When the Stars Align, Tentacles Entwine," and the specific shade of green used in our UI (Pantone: Unknowable) are registered trademarks. Unauthorized reproduction may summon our legal team, which you do not want.
Cthindr aims for 99.99% uptime across all serviceable dimensions. However, we cannot guarantee availability during: Great Old One awakening events, stellar alignment ceremonies, dimensional collapses, scheduled maintenance (Tuesdays, 2–4 AM EST), or periods when R'lyeh rises from the ocean (our primary data center surfaces, which is actually great for cooling but terrible for latency).
We may suspend or terminate your account at any time, for any reason, or for a reason that exists in a superposition of all possible reasons. Upon termination, your profile will be archived in the Dimension of the Unmatched. You may appeal by submitting a written petition, in triplicate, to the Esoteric Order of Dagon (Appeals Division), using ink derived from a giant squid. Allow 6–8 aeons for processing.
To the maximum extent permitted by the laws of whatever dimension this dispute arises in, Cthindr Inc. shall not be liable for any damages - direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, existential, or non-Euclidean - arising from your use of the platform. This includes, but is not limited to: loss of sanity, loss of tentacles, spontaneous dimensional displacement, prophetic nightmares, and the slow realization that you are a background character in an uncaring cosmos. So, you know, the usual.
These Terms are governed by the laws of R'lyeh (Sunken Jurisdiction). In the event of a dispute, see Clause 33 of the 37 Unknowable Clauses regarding binding arbitration. Spoiler: it involves a Deep One with 500 years of legal experience and proceedings conducted entirely in R'lyehian. Good luck.
How we use cookies, trackers, and pieces of your immortal essence
Cookies are small text files stored on your device. Soul fragments are small pieces of your immortal essence stored on our servers. Both serve a similar purpose: making your experience more personal and making it incrementally harder to leave. Industry standard stuff.
You can manage cookie preferences through your browser settings. However, disabling cookies may result in: degraded platform performance, loss of saved preferences, an inexplicable sense of emptiness, and our matchmaking algorithm taking it personally. Disabling soul fragment collection is not possible through your browser and requires a formal exorcism (see: Support page, "Exorcism Requests").
We allow cookies from the following trusted third parties:
Session cookies expire when you close your browser. Persistent cookies expire after 1 lunar cycle. Soul fragments persist until the heat death of the universe or your next reincarnation, whichever comes first. Eldritch cookies exist outside of linear time and therefore cannot technically "expire," but they do become "stale" in a way that is more metaphysical than practical.
We reserve the right to update this Cookie & Soul Fragment Policy at any time, retroactively, or preemptively. Changes may be communicated via: app notification, email, recurring nightmare, or a persistent sense that something has changed but you can't quite identify what. Continued use of the platform constitutes acceptance of any and all modifications, including ones that haven't been written yet.
The Summoner shall upload at least one (1) preferred manifestation to their profile. Acceptable formats include JPEG, PNG, WebP, astral projection, or shared hallucination. Manifestations must be current - "current" being defined as "within the last 500 years or three incarnations, whichever is shorter."
Shape-shifting is not catfishing. However, the Summoner must disclose if their current form is (a) borrowed, (b) stolen from a screaming astronomer, or (c) an involuntary manifestation of someone else's fever dream. Failure to disclose may result in profile suspension across up to four (4) dimensions.
You are under no obligation to provide your True Name. However, Cthindr assumes no liability if another user guesses it, speaks it aloud, or carves it into a monolith. If your True Name exceeds 10,000 characters, please contact support for extended field accommodations.
All users must be at least eighteen (18) years of age or three (3) aeons of sentience, whichever is greater. Entities that exist outside of linear time must provide a sworn affidavit from a licensed chronologist confirming they are "old enough to know better." Primordial beings that predate the concept of age are exempt but must check the box anyway.
Users with multiple simultaneous physical forms may maintain one (1) account per form, up to a maximum of one thousand (1,000) concurrent profiles. If you are Nyarlathotep, please limit yourself. We've talked about this.
By using Cthindr, the Summoner consents to being analyzed by algorithms that operate in geometries incompatible with human cognition. The Summoner waives any right to understand how or why they were matched. "It just works" is the only explanation we are able and willing to provide.
Tapping "Summon" constitutes a binding micro-ritual. Each Summon sends a psychic ping across the dimensional membrane. Cthindr is not responsible for any entities that arrive uninvited as a result of residual summoning energy. If something manifests in your living room, that's on you.
Note: "Super Summon" is a stronger ritual. Use responsibly. Results may include involuntary astral bonding.
Tapping "Banish" gently returns the other user to the abyss from whence they came. This is a soft banishment only and does not constitute a formal exorcism. If you require a formal exorcism, please consult your local cult leader or upgrade to the Eldritch Extreme Platinum Plan.
Opening messages must not include: unsolicited prophecies of doom, cognitohazardous imagery, memetic kill agents, or "hey." Especially "hey." The Eldritch deserve better. Sending a message that causes the recipient to lose 10% or more of their sanity constitutes harassment and will be reviewed by our Trust & Madness team.
When both parties Summon each other, a match is formed. By matching, both parties acknowledge that they are cosmically entangled and that this entanglement may persist across death, rebirth, dimensional collapse, and/or Mercury retrograde.
Relationship status options on Cthindr include: Single, Entangled, Summoned, Dormant, "It's Complicated," and "Bound Together Across Seven Doomed Dimensions." Users selecting "It's Complicated" acknowledge that this is, in fact, the simplest accurate description of their situation.
Cthindr collects the following data: your name, location, preferred manifestation, madness frequency, doom timeline, tentacle count, cult affiliations, deepest fears, memories you thought were forgotten, the sound your soul makes when it's afraid, and your Uber Eats order history. This data is stored on servers located in a place that does not correspond to any known geography.
Your data will be used for matchmaking, service improvement, and [REDACTED]. We may also share your data with [REDACTED] for the purpose of [COGNITOHAZARD REMOVED]. You're fine with this. You already agreed.
You may request to be forgotten. However, due to the non-linear nature of our database architecture, "forgetting" you may cause you to cease to have ever existed. Cthindr is not responsible for retroactive existential nullification. Please allow 6–8 aeons for processing.
This platform uses cookies, local storage, and fragments of your immortal soul to personalize your experience. Disabling cookies may cause the app to forget your preferences. Disabling soul fragment collection may cause you to forget yourself. We recommend leaving both enabled.
We do not sell your personal data. We do, however, whisper it into the void during scheduled maintenance windows. If the void whispers back, that information becomes the property of the void. We have no control over the void's data retention policies.
The following are prohibited on the Cthindr platform: mortal supremacy, non-consensual soul harvesting, spoilers for prophecies that haven't been fulfilled yet, MLM recruitment (Multi-Level Madness schemes), and any attempts to summon Azathoth (the platform cannot handle the traffic).
While using Cthindr, you may experience minor distortions in local reality. These may include but are not limited to: walls breathing, clocks running backwards, the sensation of being watched by something with too many eyes, and mild to moderate cosmic dread. These are features, not bugs.
Users must not misrepresent their tentacle count by more than ±15%. Height must be listed in standard units (feet, meters, or fathoms of madness). Users claiming to be "6'∞" must provide photographic evidence. Listing your age as "timeless" requires verification from at least two (2) elder gods.
Users must accurately list all current cult affiliations. Former cult memberships may be omitted after a cooling-off period of no less than one (1) apocalypse. "Freelance nihilist" is an acceptable affiliation. "Cult curious" is also fine. "Started my own cult last Tuesday" requires additional documentation.
Devouring a match - in whole or in part - without prior written consent is strictly prohibited and will result in immediate account termination. Partial devouring (less than 30% by mass) may be forgiven on the first offense if a sincere apology is tendered and the devoured portions are returned in reasonable condition.
Cthindr accepts the following forms of payment: USD, EUR, GBP, Bitcoin, Ethereum, ancient gold doubloons, favors owed by lesser demons, and one (1) goat per billing cycle. We do not accept exposure, "good vibes," or promises from entities known to default on prophetic debts.
Subscribers to the Eldritch Extreme Platinum Plan acknowledge that the cost of "$∞ per aeon" is a binding financial commitment that transcends both personal bankruptcy and the heat death of the universe. Cancellation requires a blood ritual performed under a new moon, notarized by a Deep One, and submitted via fax.
All sales are final across all timelines. Refund requests will be reviewed by a panel of three (3) shoggoths. The panel's decision is final, absolute, and may arrive before you submit the request due to our non-linear processing pipeline. If you receive a refund denial before making a purchase, you were going to buy it. Trust us.
The Awakened (free) tier may be terminated at any time, for any reason, including but not limited to: the stars being wrong, Mercury being in retrograde, or our CEO having "a feeling." No explanation will be provided. No explanation would suffice.
Cthindr Inc. shall not be held liable for: loss of sanity, loss of limbs (including tentacles), loss of linear time perception, accidental summonings, involuntary dimension shifts, spontaneous tentacle growth, prophetic nightmares, or the gradual realization that you are a minor character in someone else's horror story. Use of Cthindr is at your own cosmic risk.
Cthindr is not responsible for service interruptions caused by: the awakening of Great Old Ones, stellar alignment events, dimensional rifts, the return of the King in Yellow, R'lyeh rising from the sea, or scheduled server maintenance (Tuesdays, 2–4 AM EST, or whenever the stars are right, whichever comes first).
By using this platform, the Summoner acknowledges that existence itself is a temporary and fragile condition. Cthindr makes no guarantees that the Summoner will continue to exist in their current form, dimension, or state of consciousness during or after use of the app. "Results may vary" is putting it mildly.
Despite our advanced non-Euclidean matchmaking, Cthindr does not guarantee romantic compatibility. Some matches may result in mutual adoration. Others may result in a thousand years of psychic warfare. Most fall somewhere in between. This is not meaningfully different from other dating apps.
These Terms shall be governed by the laws of R'lyeh (Sunken Division), or in jurisdictions where R'lyeh is not recognized as a sovereign entity, the laws of whatever dimension the dispute spills into. If the dispute transcends all known legal systems, it shall be resolved via trial by combat in the Dreamlands.
All disputes shall be resolved through binding arbitration administered by the Esoteric Order of Dagon (Arbitration Division). The arbitrator shall be a neutral Deep One of no fewer than 500 years of legal experience. The proceeding will be conducted in R'lyehian. Translation services are the Summoner's responsibility.
Cthindr reserves the right to terminate your account for any violation of these Clauses, or for no reason at all, or for a reason that hasn't been invented yet, or retroactively, or preemptively. Upon termination, your profile will be consigned to the Archive of the Unmatched, a dimension of pure loneliness from which there is no return.
The following clauses survive termination: all of them. They also survive your death, your rebirth, the heat death of the universe, and the eventual awakening of Azathoth (at which point all contracts become moot because reality will have ended, but we're keeping it on record just in case).
By reading this clause, you agree to re-read all previous clauses. By re-reading the previous clauses, you re-trigger this clause. This loop is intentional and constitutes ongoing, perpetual consent. Our legal shoggoth assures us this is enforceable. We choose to believe it.
This clause cannot be read, comprehended, or perceived by mortal minds. Its contents are [BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION]. By failing to comprehend this clause, you have agreed to it. Incomprehension equals consent. Our legal team is very proud of this one.
By reading a comedy website's fake terms of service all the way to Clause 37, you have demonstrated a level of dedication that qualifies you for either (a) the Eldritch Extreme Platinum Plan at a 0% discount, or (b) a Deep One's grudging respect. You are the kind of person - or entity - that Cthindr was built for. We see you. We have always seen you.
Seriously though, thanks for reading. You absolute legend. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. 💚